My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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