I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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