I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
