Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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