im gay
i know
yea but for you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
