Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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