for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
