I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
