I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
