Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We had to coat check the pizza.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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