I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
