every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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