I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
