i love accidental penises.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
