just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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