Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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