lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
