when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
