I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
