I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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