I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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