either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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