I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
