Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
