That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
