Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
