maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
