If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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