Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
