so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
