Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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