1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
