you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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