Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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