I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
