new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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