i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
