look no pants
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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