Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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