HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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