Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
