Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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