I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
