Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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