woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
