totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
