I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
