So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
