My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
