That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she peed on how many people?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
