i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
