i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize