Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
