I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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